At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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