"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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