I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
