I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
