For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
