So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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