I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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