Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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