Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Farmville is her only friend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize