I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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