New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
