Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
