I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he puts the penis in happiness.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
its liver damage thursday
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
