And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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