I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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