so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
