i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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