She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize