She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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