I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
