When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
