i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
