This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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