My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
