I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
