mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
