this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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