I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
