There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
