You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
