did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you win again, gameday.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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