i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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