Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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