I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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