jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
