Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize