I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
