I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Randomize
