if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
