I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
