I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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