With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
