Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
birth control should be required to get into college
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
