don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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