why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
