Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
