dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
