does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
