Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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