Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
