I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
