haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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