made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize