he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Terrible idea I love it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
