I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
