You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
