considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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