I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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