I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
