For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
